7 Reasons why Your Friends With Benefits Relationship is About to Implode in a Cataclysmic, Fiery Death-Fuck.
Oh hook up culture; everyone seems to think you’re so easy and free! That’s the thing nowadays. It’s not about developing lasting relationships; it’s about fucking as many of your friends as you possibly can. Now, hookup culture is a complexity that deserves a vast and detailed amount of investigation, and part of that is distinguishing a “friends with benefits relationship” (FWBR) from other forms of hookup culture. So we should probably define this odd and mystical creature before we talk about why their so poisonous.
By definition, a FWBR is a relationship in which repeated sexual interaction occurs without the expectation of romantic involvement*. Good, we’ve gotten that out of the way. Now let’s talk about why yours is going to destroy your life.
1. FWB partners don’t talk about their relationships*.
What’s happening: Basically, when you engage in an FWBR, you’re subjecting yourself to a situation in which a significant less amount of relationship talk occurs. Here’s a short list of the shit you guys are missing when you avoid discussing the nature of your relationship:
· Your current relationship stage
· The extent of your friendship
· The extent of your sexual relationship
· Your additional sexual partners
· Your partner’s addition sexual partners
· The amount and type (i.e., safe, kinky, etc.) of sex that you may or may not behaving with each other and/or other people
· Your concerns about the relationship
· Problems you may have with your partner
· Problems you may have with yourself
· Problems that your partner may have with you or themselves
This list goes on….
Wow! What a great idea! All of the sex and none of the baggage…right? No, not right, stupid - you’re making things more difficult than they have to be!
Why it’s stupid: because communication is key to ANY relationship, not just romantic ones. You have the right to know who else your partner is sleeping with; and open communication is important to your physical and mental health*. Playing the guessing game with this sort of thing is nothing but trouble and it will lead to unnecessary stress and paranoia.
2. You’re both in a constant state of uncertainty*
What’s happening: You and your partner communicate so little that you are now beginning to question your involvement in the relationship as well as your partners. Oh, and don’t forget about being totally confused about whatever it is that they two of you “have.” Uncertainty has been shown to strongly correlate positively with levels of anxiety and negatively with relationship satisfaction*. Bottom line: when you’re uncertain you’re gonna have a bad time.
Why it’s stupid: Because it can be solved with a 10 minute conversation. Is it a bit awkward? Sure, especially if you’re not “true friends” (more on that later), but it’s an important part of easing the rapids of a FWBR (as well as any relationship). You’ll thank yourself when you’re not staring at your phone at 2am wondering where your “friend” is and who they’re fucking instead of you.
3: Your life will be interfered with just as much as if you were dating*
What’s happening: If you’re in a FWBR, you probably think that one of the perks is that you don’t have to deal with your friend bugging you or interrupting your every day goals/activities. Wrong. In fact, FWBRs experience almost just as much interference from their partners as people in romantic relationships. So, expect to meet the parents, and expect to be giving your partner rides to their dorm after you two are done fooling around. Expect to be buying their meals and listening to them bitch about their problems. Most importantly, get ready for them burning a hole in the back of your head anytime you try and talk with someone else.
Why it’s stupid: Because while both exclusive relationships and FWBRs suffer the same amount of “partner interference,” exclusive relationships are the ones that reap the benefits of helpful behaviors from their partners*. FWBRs do NOT help each other out, although they do bug each other quite a bit. Need a favor? Don’t count on the person you’re banging.
4: Neither of you know what it is that you “have”
What’s happening: Well, think about it. How would you describe your FWBR? Are you guys close friends who have sex? Are you just fuck-buddies? Do you only hook up when you go out? Are you trying to start a relationship? The truth is there are SEVEN different categories of FWBRs*, and guess what, its quite possible that the one you think you’re in is NOT the same one your partner thinks they’re in. So while you’re struggling to get them to see how much you like them, they think of you as little more than a backup plan for when they can’t find anyone else.
Why it’s stupid: Again, it could be solved with a 10 minute conversation. I mean really, who wants to be a side piece? For that matter, who wants to be in the dark about being a side piece? You really still think there are no strings attached in an FWBR? Have you ever had to deal with your “friend” having consistent sex with multiple others? Sounds like a string to me, in fact, it sounds like a whole damn marionette
5: You don’t even know what you WANT to have
What’s happening: Basically, you’re lying to yourself. Sure, you might want to “identify” your relationship as “true friends” in which you and your partner are friends first and butt buddies second, but deep down, you know that you want a full on relationship with this person. Or, alternatively, you might identify as true friends to justify the fact that you don’t care about this person in any way other than the 45 minutes before you orgasm. Bottom line: people’s motivations for getting into these relationships often disagree with the way that they classify their relationships*.
Why it’s stupid: Because people seem to be so obsessed with not getting “hurt” that they create these false relationships in which things aren’t “defined.” And, of course, when things aren’t defined nobody gets hurt – which makes about as much sense as Michael Jordan’s decision to play baseball. People have feelings regardless of what you tell yourself you want out of your FWB partner Changing the label of your relationship will not change the feelings you have about that relationship.
6. Things get rocky just like in your romantic relationships
What’s happening: There is virtually no difference between the amount of “turbulence” that is experienced in FWBRs when compared to romantic relationships*. What does that mean? It means you’re going to fight like a couple, make up like a couple, and repeat the cycle. You think you can escape conflict because she’s not your “girlfriend?” You really think that he won’t care that you’re hooking up with other guys just because he’s not your “boyfriend?” Think again.
Why it’s stupid: Because you’re not fooling anyone. I promise that if you have sex with this person enough there are going to be feelings on one end or the other. Repeated and consistent sexual encounters lead to the desire for benefits that are not ONLY sexual*. You’re headed towards monogamy anyway, so why complicate it?
7: Admit it, you hate this relationship
What’s happening: As much as you pretend like you are a player and want to have this “no strings attached” relationship, deep down you hate it. FWBRs experience WAY less relational satisfaction than those in exclusive relationships*, which means that wish their relationship was better than it currently is. Mark it down this is science people.
Why it’s stupid: Because it could easily be solved by just fucking taking about it. If one person wants a relationship and one doesn’t then things are not going to work no matter how much sex you have*. The end. If you think that you’re going to cheat the system by saying to yourself that this person is “just a friend” then you are headed straight into the cataclysmic fiery death-fuck that is a FWBR.
But what’s the REAL problem in all of this?
The bottom line: People are just looking for one of two things: either they want consistent action while still prowling for even more action or the want a relationship and are too afraid to talk about it. Look, if you don’t want monogamy that’s totally cool with me. But it is definitely the sort of thing that you should be talking about with someone who you spend considerable time inside of/spends considerable time inside of you. Nobody wants to establish ground rules so that when they fuck up they get to say, “Well I didn’t know I couldn’t fuck your roommate/sibling/best friend/my ex.” It’s embarrassing and pathetic. Just tell your partner how it is, and you know what? If they don’t want to continue having sex with you after you tell them then it’s a sign that you did the right thing – otherwise you were just stringing them along…and after all this is your friend, right?
On the same note, if you want a relationship with someone just tell them. If they say that they don’t want one with you then at least you tried. But stop lying to yourself with what you think is meaningful sex when to them you were the third person who they’ve hit up that week. Know the boundaries of your relationship, because if you don’t you will be in a tailspin of uncertainty and frustration.
My Advice: If you want a relationship, ask for one. If you don’t, tell them that you don’t. Either way, all of your questions can be answered with a 10 minute open conversation about what’s really going on. I mean...you guys are friends, aren’t you? If you can’t talk about this sort of thing then I might recommend restructuring the nature of your relationship entirely. But stop kidding yourself, stop hoping that your friend will see the light, and stop stringing people along! There are three options as far as I’m concerned: Monogamous relationship, open relationship, or no relationship at all. This friends with benefits crap has got to stop before you people tear each other apart.
I’ve personally been in an FWBR before, and I’ve observed them objectively. I think we all know that the three options that I described above are the only way that FWBRs end, so why not just skip the middleman? Don’t think you can deny your feelings by labeling someone as a “friend,” because at the end of the day you’re only fooling yourselves.
* citation available upon request!
By definition, a FWBR is a relationship in which repeated sexual interaction occurs without the expectation of romantic involvement*. Good, we’ve gotten that out of the way. Now let’s talk about why yours is going to destroy your life.
1. FWB partners don’t talk about their relationships*.
What’s happening: Basically, when you engage in an FWBR, you’re subjecting yourself to a situation in which a significant less amount of relationship talk occurs. Here’s a short list of the shit you guys are missing when you avoid discussing the nature of your relationship:
· Your current relationship stage
· The extent of your friendship
· The extent of your sexual relationship
· Your additional sexual partners
· Your partner’s addition sexual partners
· The amount and type (i.e., safe, kinky, etc.) of sex that you may or may not behaving with each other and/or other people
· Your concerns about the relationship
· Problems you may have with your partner
· Problems you may have with yourself
· Problems that your partner may have with you or themselves
This list goes on….
Wow! What a great idea! All of the sex and none of the baggage…right? No, not right, stupid - you’re making things more difficult than they have to be!
Why it’s stupid: because communication is key to ANY relationship, not just romantic ones. You have the right to know who else your partner is sleeping with; and open communication is important to your physical and mental health*. Playing the guessing game with this sort of thing is nothing but trouble and it will lead to unnecessary stress and paranoia.
2. You’re both in a constant state of uncertainty*
What’s happening: You and your partner communicate so little that you are now beginning to question your involvement in the relationship as well as your partners. Oh, and don’t forget about being totally confused about whatever it is that they two of you “have.” Uncertainty has been shown to strongly correlate positively with levels of anxiety and negatively with relationship satisfaction*. Bottom line: when you’re uncertain you’re gonna have a bad time.
Why it’s stupid: Because it can be solved with a 10 minute conversation. Is it a bit awkward? Sure, especially if you’re not “true friends” (more on that later), but it’s an important part of easing the rapids of a FWBR (as well as any relationship). You’ll thank yourself when you’re not staring at your phone at 2am wondering where your “friend” is and who they’re fucking instead of you.
3: Your life will be interfered with just as much as if you were dating*
What’s happening: If you’re in a FWBR, you probably think that one of the perks is that you don’t have to deal with your friend bugging you or interrupting your every day goals/activities. Wrong. In fact, FWBRs experience almost just as much interference from their partners as people in romantic relationships. So, expect to meet the parents, and expect to be giving your partner rides to their dorm after you two are done fooling around. Expect to be buying their meals and listening to them bitch about their problems. Most importantly, get ready for them burning a hole in the back of your head anytime you try and talk with someone else.
Why it’s stupid: Because while both exclusive relationships and FWBRs suffer the same amount of “partner interference,” exclusive relationships are the ones that reap the benefits of helpful behaviors from their partners*. FWBRs do NOT help each other out, although they do bug each other quite a bit. Need a favor? Don’t count on the person you’re banging.
4: Neither of you know what it is that you “have”
What’s happening: Well, think about it. How would you describe your FWBR? Are you guys close friends who have sex? Are you just fuck-buddies? Do you only hook up when you go out? Are you trying to start a relationship? The truth is there are SEVEN different categories of FWBRs*, and guess what, its quite possible that the one you think you’re in is NOT the same one your partner thinks they’re in. So while you’re struggling to get them to see how much you like them, they think of you as little more than a backup plan for when they can’t find anyone else.
Why it’s stupid: Again, it could be solved with a 10 minute conversation. I mean really, who wants to be a side piece? For that matter, who wants to be in the dark about being a side piece? You really still think there are no strings attached in an FWBR? Have you ever had to deal with your “friend” having consistent sex with multiple others? Sounds like a string to me, in fact, it sounds like a whole damn marionette
5: You don’t even know what you WANT to have
What’s happening: Basically, you’re lying to yourself. Sure, you might want to “identify” your relationship as “true friends” in which you and your partner are friends first and butt buddies second, but deep down, you know that you want a full on relationship with this person. Or, alternatively, you might identify as true friends to justify the fact that you don’t care about this person in any way other than the 45 minutes before you orgasm. Bottom line: people’s motivations for getting into these relationships often disagree with the way that they classify their relationships*.
Why it’s stupid: Because people seem to be so obsessed with not getting “hurt” that they create these false relationships in which things aren’t “defined.” And, of course, when things aren’t defined nobody gets hurt – which makes about as much sense as Michael Jordan’s decision to play baseball. People have feelings regardless of what you tell yourself you want out of your FWB partner Changing the label of your relationship will not change the feelings you have about that relationship.
6. Things get rocky just like in your romantic relationships
What’s happening: There is virtually no difference between the amount of “turbulence” that is experienced in FWBRs when compared to romantic relationships*. What does that mean? It means you’re going to fight like a couple, make up like a couple, and repeat the cycle. You think you can escape conflict because she’s not your “girlfriend?” You really think that he won’t care that you’re hooking up with other guys just because he’s not your “boyfriend?” Think again.
Why it’s stupid: Because you’re not fooling anyone. I promise that if you have sex with this person enough there are going to be feelings on one end or the other. Repeated and consistent sexual encounters lead to the desire for benefits that are not ONLY sexual*. You’re headed towards monogamy anyway, so why complicate it?
7: Admit it, you hate this relationship
What’s happening: As much as you pretend like you are a player and want to have this “no strings attached” relationship, deep down you hate it. FWBRs experience WAY less relational satisfaction than those in exclusive relationships*, which means that wish their relationship was better than it currently is. Mark it down this is science people.
Why it’s stupid: Because it could easily be solved by just fucking taking about it. If one person wants a relationship and one doesn’t then things are not going to work no matter how much sex you have*. The end. If you think that you’re going to cheat the system by saying to yourself that this person is “just a friend” then you are headed straight into the cataclysmic fiery death-fuck that is a FWBR.
But what’s the REAL problem in all of this?
The bottom line: People are just looking for one of two things: either they want consistent action while still prowling for even more action or the want a relationship and are too afraid to talk about it. Look, if you don’t want monogamy that’s totally cool with me. But it is definitely the sort of thing that you should be talking about with someone who you spend considerable time inside of/spends considerable time inside of you. Nobody wants to establish ground rules so that when they fuck up they get to say, “Well I didn’t know I couldn’t fuck your roommate/sibling/best friend/my ex.” It’s embarrassing and pathetic. Just tell your partner how it is, and you know what? If they don’t want to continue having sex with you after you tell them then it’s a sign that you did the right thing – otherwise you were just stringing them along…and after all this is your friend, right?
On the same note, if you want a relationship with someone just tell them. If they say that they don’t want one with you then at least you tried. But stop lying to yourself with what you think is meaningful sex when to them you were the third person who they’ve hit up that week. Know the boundaries of your relationship, because if you don’t you will be in a tailspin of uncertainty and frustration.
My Advice: If you want a relationship, ask for one. If you don’t, tell them that you don’t. Either way, all of your questions can be answered with a 10 minute open conversation about what’s really going on. I mean...you guys are friends, aren’t you? If you can’t talk about this sort of thing then I might recommend restructuring the nature of your relationship entirely. But stop kidding yourself, stop hoping that your friend will see the light, and stop stringing people along! There are three options as far as I’m concerned: Monogamous relationship, open relationship, or no relationship at all. This friends with benefits crap has got to stop before you people tear each other apart.
I’ve personally been in an FWBR before, and I’ve observed them objectively. I think we all know that the three options that I described above are the only way that FWBRs end, so why not just skip the middleman? Don’t think you can deny your feelings by labeling someone as a “friend,” because at the end of the day you’re only fooling yourselves.
* citation available upon request!